Holly Madison: Fake sex better than real with Hugh Hefner

When it came to Playboy honcho Hugh Hefner, fake sex was far preferable to the real thing.

So says Hef’s former live-in girlfriend Holly Madison in her new book, “Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales from a Former Playboy Bunny.”

The 35-year-ancient hottie shared the Playboy mansion with Hefner from 2001 to 2008, costs several years as his girlfriend-in-chief.

Madison, commencement as a 21-year-ancient waitress at Hooters, chased after Hefner for almost a year before finally earning a mansion invite.

Holly Madison reveals ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner existing her drugs, calls him a ‘manipulator’ in new chronicle

She was confident things would only go so far sexually because Hefner’s other girlfriends reassured her they didn’t really have to sleep with the Playboy don.

That night, Madison was led into Hefner’s bedroom to join his harem of scantily clad blonds lolling on the bed as two big screens played porn.

Hefner was off in a chair pleasuring himself.

Suddenly, one of the other women grabbed Madison and hissed in her ear: “Fake the f—!”

She looked around and saw all of them were pretending to make out. In the dark it was hard to tell if Hef was attentive they were faking.

Either way, the girlfriends didn’t care. Pretending to have girl-on-girl sex beat climbing into the sack with Hef.

According to Madison, the girlfriends — seven at the time — were desperate for “original meat” to avoid satisfying Hefner themselves.

Holly Madison considered suicide during ‘nightmare’ life in Playboy Mansion: chronicle

“Heeeef … don’t you want to be with the new girl?” Madison recalled one of the mansion vets screeching during her first visit.

Madison and another woman, Candice, were the newbie victims — and it didn’t last long.

“It was so brief that I can’t even recall what it felt like beyond having a heavy body on top of mine,” Madison writes.

“By the time I was able to wrap my head around what was happening, Hef had already went on to Candice, then to a few of his actual girlfriends before finishing himself off as he always did.”

A recent US Weekly excerpt revealed that Hefner existing Madison a Quaalude the first night he met her at a club, calling it a “thigh-opener.”

Over time, she writes, he became so emotionally abusive that Madison contemplated suicide.

In the book, on sale this Tuesday, Madison flirts with a more shocking accusation.

When an interviewer not compulsory that Kendra Wilkinson was “growing up” at the mansion, Madison at first shot down the innuendo that Hefner was “a pedophile.”

She’s since reconsidered.

“I think the ‘growing up’ question struck a nerve even deeper than I cared to admit,” she wrote. “Frankly speaking, I’ve always been pretty uncomfortable with Hef’s fascination with extremely young women.

“He was obsessed with women looking as young as in any way possible. Everything — absolutely everything — about that skeeved me out.”

Madison, who starred with fellow Hef girlfriends Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt in the hit E! reality series “The Girls Next Door,” says she persuaded herself that she had found right like with the man old enough to be her splendid-grandfather.

Hefner, then approaching 80, even committed to having children with her. Madison now thinks he was merely stringing her along to keep her from walking out.

“Hef had submitted semen samples to a fertility doctor only to find what the doctor had predicted all along — that nothing from this 70-something-year-ancient man was viable,” she writes.

“I’m sure Hef knew this, too, and that was the only reason he decided to humor me and submit anything at all.”

Hefner was so desperate to keep Madison at the end that she claims he wrote a provision into his will leaving her $ 3 million if she was still at the mansion when he died.

It was a different report back when she was a waitress, broke and so keen to enter the mansion she would have beaten down doors.

Madison may have found the bedroom scene creepy, but first thing the next morning she questioned Hefner if she could go in. From the outset, she found the atmosphere “toxic” — mainly because of the other women.

Madison claims most kept boyfriends on the side — one was said to be dating Kid Rock — in direct violation of mansion rules.

And Vicky, the girlfriend who was most keen to recruit nubile young blonds for Hefner, was also turning out his other paramours and Playmates for a notorious Hollywood prostitution ring, Madison writes.

Vicky was also a ringleader when the other girls turned against Madison, stealing her clothes and manufacturing complaints that gave Hefner an defense to reprimand her.

But one night, she writes, Vicky invited Madison into her room to regale her with tales of Playmates who made “thousands of dollars” a night.

“Everybody does it,” Vicky claimed before asking, “Do you think that’s something you might be interested in?”

Madison says she realized that Vicky was recruiting for Hollywood madam Michelle Braun, who was later indicted for prostitution and money laundering.

Mandy and Sandy Bentley, the bodacious twins who made the cover of Playboy during their tour of duty as Hef’s girlfriends, were among other Playmates said to work for her escort service, Nici’s Girls.

Madison — satisfied with her $ 1,000-a-week clothing allowance and new car — refused the offer. The perks of being a girlfriend were excellent, though she found the mansion tacky and broken down beyond the public rooms.

Things were beyond doubt going downhill at the once-glamorous Holmby Hills scene.

The days when Jack Nicholson routinely ordered takeout from the mansion kitchen and stars like Leo DiCaprio circulated through infamous parties were past.

In Madison’s time, every bathroom in the Grotto was stocked with a tray of baby oil, Vaseline and Kleenex.

The girlfriends sneered at Hefner behind his back but feared his infantile temper tantrums when he would kick his feet and weep. Still, they routinely broke household rules by smoking meth in the bedrooms and snorting cocaine when Hefner’s head was turned.

Things improved, Madison writes, after the crew of siliconed babes was weaned down to the three featured on “The Girls Next Door.” For one thing, Madison finally landed the cover of Playboy — though shared with the other two.

In the pictorial, the three blonds piled on top of each other in bed with their breasts taped to produce maximum effect. Madison said shooting it was “the time of her life.”

Doing the series brought another unexpected bonus for Madison. Hefner no longer insisted on dragging them out to clubs to capture the attention of the paparazzi. That meant the end of the nasty bedroom ritual that always followed.

“Needless to say, for me, sex was never the highlight of the relationship,” she writes, expressing her relief that finally “sex was out of the equation.”

Madison eventually walked out on Hefner to start a disastrous affair with magician Chris Angel — and was quickly supplanted by the Shannon twins, Karissa and Kristina, both on the show and in Hef’s bed. Madison really recruited the two for Playboy while an intern in the magazine’s photo studio.

Then came Crystal Harris, who would publicly snipe at Madison.

Hefner, she sensed correctly, had finally met his match. He eventually married Harris even after she made a public spectacle by running off with Jordan McGraw, Dr. Phil’s son.

Madison eventually met her own match too, entertainment entrepreneur Pasquale Rotella. They now have a 5-year-ancient daughter, Rainbow, and Madison claims to be living her happily ever after.

From down the rabbit hole to over the moon — quite a journey.

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