A New York Winter’s Tale

“What’s happening here?” questions Jennifer Connelly midway through Akiva Goldsman’s fatuous fantasy. What indeed? Hopping erratically between 1885, 1916 and 2014, the storyline follows Peter Lake (Colin Farrell), who falls for a consumptive beauty (Jessica Brown Findlay) while earning the ire of Russell Crowe’s Irish gangster (yes, really).

Chuck in a fleeting horse and a Will Smith cameo, and audiences will need constitutions of iron to stop from gagging. “Shit happens!” rasps Crowe at one point. It really does…