Christopher Rosa | October 9, 2014 8:00 am

The Internet is still recovering from last night’s premiere of American Horror Report: Freak Show, and we can’t blame people because —  damn, it’s excellent. From the triumphant restore of Pepper (Naomi Grossman) to Jessica Lange‘s utter ferocity and Sarah Paulson‘s psychological prowess, Freak Show is shaping up to be one of the best and creepiest — um, hey there, Twisty — AHS seasons yet.

Because there were so many highlights from the premiere, it was pretty hard to narrow down standouts. But thankfully, we unleashed our inner Supreme Witches and got the job done. Without further ado, ladies, gentlemen, and freaks, here are nine cold-hard facts about American Horror Report: Freak Show‘s first episode that will undoubtedly get fans all hot and bothered.

1. Evan Peters (Jimmy) got really sexy. 
Peters was always a cutie, but he turned into a bona fide hottie on Freak Show. We’re willing to blaze past his lobster hands — which several ladies loved during last night’s episode, if you catch our drift — for those biceps and pecs we saw busting out of his tank top. And his wink and deep accent? *Swoons*

2. Frances Conroy (Gloria) only appears in one scene, but remains iconic by throwing life-changing shade at Lange (Elsa).
The Balenciaga queen is set to be a series regular on Freak Show, but alas only appeared in one scene last night. After she and Gloria’s son Dandy (played by the original and hot Finn Wittrock) attended Elsa’s Cabinet of Curiosities — the only two people in the audience, mind you — they were less than satisfied with the performance, notably at Elsa’s live singing. Right before the mother-son duo leave Elsa’s tent, Gloria scoffs, “By far the most freakishly of all tonight was your pathetic attempt at singing.” And then she sashays away like the legend she is.

3.  Kathy Bates (Ethel) is the soul of the show. 
Ethel is a far weep from Delphine, the sadistic slave title-holder she played in Coven. Instead, Ethel — the troupe’s bearded lady — is warm, strong, and family-oriented. Not only does she look out for her actual son, Jimmy, she acts as a mother figure to Elsa, Bette, and Dot (the siamese twins played by Paulson) in many ways — like making sure Bette eats when Dot won’t let her. It’s pretty tender.

4. The show is more heartfelt than you’d expect.
Riffing off No.3, who knew Freak Show would produce us to feel so many feels?! After the campy and kooky Coven, the amount of times we almost cried during Freak Show threw us for a loop. Like when a group of idiotic boys threw glass bottles at some of the troupe members and called them freaks, or when Elsa scolded Jimmy for flirting with a waitress because of his “deformities.” You can’t help but feel for these characters, especially when Jimmy angrily cries, “Don’t call us freaks!” at an ignorant police officer. We recommend having a box of tissues handy this season.

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Tags: American Horror Report: Freak Show, Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates