LiLo’s hitting a ‘Speed’ bump

Splash News Lindsay Lohan after a preview performance of ‘Speed-the-Plow’

Which of these doesn’t belong: Laurence Olivier. Peter O’Toole. John Gielgud. Lindsay Lohan. “Speed-the-Plow” officially opened at London’s Playhouse Theater on Thursday, where the onetime child star again tried to revive a career that’s long been secondary to her dramatic, destructive behavior in nightclubs and on reality shows. At one point on stage, Lohan’s character exclaimed, “I know what it is to be terrible, I’ve been terrible.” But Lohan wasn’t so much “terrible” as she was just, well, not very excellent, according to one audience member, who said that she was still being fed lines from a helper backstage.

This is hardly the first time Lohan has struggled with lines. She hadn’t memorized her script for last week’s preview performances either, a source said. (We’re going to pass on the easy cocaine jokes here, but feel free to Google old Oprah Winfrey interviews with the constantly rehabbing wild-child.) While a host of journalists were invited to check out Lohan’s big opening, after our scathing review of her first stage appearance last week, the Day after day News was denied tickets, despite there being vast lots of empty seats. That’s something this show should get used to.

‘LOVE STORY’ COMING TRUE

Art is certainly imitating life for the stars of ABC’s new comedy “Manhattan Like Report.” While Jake McDorman was shooting a fashion spread for Bella magazine at the Tribeca hot spot Washington Market Tavern, he was overheard “gushing” about his relationship with co-star Analeigh Tipton, according to a spy. As McDorman sipped tequila on the rocks and modeled couture, he seemed head over heels for his on- and off-screen girlfriend.

handout Aloe Blacc performed his song ‘The Man’ at the Clio Awards.

WHOOPI IS THE NEW BLACC FAN

Talk about makin’ Whoopi. After considering Aloe Blacc perform his song “The Man” at the Clio Awards Wednesday, the night’s host, Whoopi Goldberg, revealed she’s a, er, fan of the 35-year-ancient. “I would take that home and find out if he really is the man,” Goldberg, 58, told the advertising industry crowd, adding, “I’m not one for rocking the cradle, but I would kick that cradle right over!” Jerry Seinfeld won an honorary award at the ceremony, which was produced by Phoenix Media Group.

ANOTHER ‘EX’ FACTOR FOR SIMON

Some things never exchange: Simon Cowell is still rocking awkward straight-leg jeans, and he’s still hanging out with ex-girlfriend Sinitta. The pair dated on and off for almost 20 years, and the singer has remained cordial with the “The X Factor” judge. While filming an global version of the talent show at Cowell’s L.A. household, Sinitta wore long hair extensions and a headdress, explaining that her splendid-grandmother was Native American.

KCS Presse/Splash News Beyoncé, Jay Z and Blue Ivy go household-hunting near the Elysée Palace.

JAY & BEY’S NEW HOME FRONT

There’s no such thing as too many homes for the Carter family. After looking at high-priced real estate in Los Angeles and New York, Jay Z, Beyoncé and little Blue Ivy made a pit stop in Paris to visit a home for sale. The large material goods is just a hop, skip and jump away from the Elysée Palace, where French Head Francois Hollande lives. It only makes sense for the two ruling families to be neighbors.

MORGAN’S LAWYER LIKES PRICEY SUITS

Tracy Morgan’s lawsuit against Walmart isn’t his attorney’s first celebrity case. Benedict Morelli also represented former Fox employee Andrea Mackris when she sued Bill O’Reilly for sexual harassment in 2004. The silver-tongued lawyer negotiated an out-of-court agreement that the Washington Post reported “likely involves payment of millions of dollars to Mackris.” The “O’Reilly Factor” host said afterward there was “no wrongdoing in the case by anyone.” Morgan is suing Walmart over injuries suffered when on of its trucks terminally slammed into his limo in June.

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage Giuliana Rancic’s Chicago restaurant got a visit from Head Obama and pals.

OBAMA AT CHICAGO STEAK-OUT

From reality TV to hosting the Head. On Wednesday, Head Obama had dinner at Bill and Giuliana Rancic’s new restaurant, RPM Steak, in Chicago. We’re told the commander-In-chief, who was dining with friends including White Household senior adviser Valerie Jarrett and longtime pal Marty Nesbitt, shook hands and took pictures with other diners. The group stayed for about three hours. The Rancics, who star in “Bill and Giuliana,” opened the steakhouse in August.

AMERICAN IDOL IS HARD STUFF

Billy Idol says that during his ’80s heyday, dealers in Washington Square were naming drugs after his song titles — presumably without paying royalties. “They’d say, ‘It’s ‘Rebel Yell Heroin.’ It’s ‘White Wedding Crack.’ It’s ‘Dancing With Myself Marijuana’ or something,” he tells Charles Osgood in an interview for “CBS Sunday Morning” that will air this weekend. Also coming Sunday, News composition writer Jim Farber chats with Idol about his new chronicle, also called “Dancing With Myself,” in which Idol makes it clear that even now he’s no teetotaler.

Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images Zoe Saldana goes with the flowing outfit at a have fun in L.A.

ZOE DOES TWIN FEATURE

Zoe Saldana, officially pregnant with twins, sports Christian Dior at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences costume opening have fun in L.A.

GARNER-ING GOOD PRESS

When a fan at a Q&A for “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Excellent, Very Terrible Day” questioned Jennifer Garner if she lives in a mansion, the actress questioned the kid to be more specific. “Does it have two floors and lots of stairs?” the tyke questioned. “Then no, I don’t live in a mansion. My household has one floor,” Garner said at the event sponsored by Moms Mamarazzi (a SiriusXM show) in L.A. Later that night, Garner joked on “The Tonight Show” that she suspects she and hubby Ben Affleck weren’t invited to George Clooney’s wedding because when they first met him, their family had lice.

Dianna Agron bares her feelings about nudity on Instagram.

CHIN UP, AMY, EVERYONE’S NOT AGRON

Self-deprecating comic Amy Schumer first realized she had an “at risk” chin after considering an unflattering photo of herself chowing down on popcorn at a Lakers game while seated next to a perfect-looking Dianna Agron, she confessed at a Tuesday signing for Lena Dunham’s new book, “Not That Kind of Girl.” On Wednesday, Agron posted a topless photo of herself on Twitter that would make anyone feel insecure.

Juan Naharro Gimenez/WireImage Alec Baldwin gives Hilaria a quick pick-me-up at Madrid’s ‘Icon Awards.’

ALEC IS HILARIA-OUS

Proving that yoga can be performed à deux, Alec Baldwin sweeps his wife and human Gumby doll, Hilaria, off her feet at the Icon Awards on Wednesday night, held at the Italian Consulate in Madrid, Spain. Baldwin then went on to lift Spanish actor/director Santiago Segura off his feet as well, though the pose wasn’t quite as romantic.