STASI: Why do so many stars ‘suffer’ wardrobe malfunctions wearing $20,000 couture?

MAVRIXONLINE.COM Kate Upton appeared to have some distress with her skirt during a clothing photo shoot.

Don’t you despise it when your skirt falls off at a wedding? Or worse, when you forget to wear underwear to work on the very day that your skirt blows up over your head? And what about that time your shirt opened and your boobs popped out in the small appliance aisle at Costco?

Photo Image Press / Splash News/Photo Image Press / Splash News Iggy Azalea suffered a wardrobe malfunction at a fancy bar mitzvah.

Over the weekend, at a fancy bar mitzvah, yet, the crotch ripped on Iggy Azalea’s second-skin leggings giving the bar mitzvah boy a honest reason for saying, “Today I am a man! No, seriously.” It became a worldwide hit on balleralert.com appropriately enough.
Then there was Kate Upton’s epic malfunction in which her gingham skirt blew up, revealing her minuscule red thong. If there was any suffering going on — especially among her publicists — they covered it as well as Jackie O. And within hours, the country suffered a crippling red thong shortage.
Upton is commencement to have more WWB’s (worldwide wardrobe breakdowns) than the Kardashians. Oh, wait, never mind.
That bunch have turned the wardrobe malfunction into their life’s work — a kind of family enterprise. Kardashian boob out! Bingo! Front page. Screw the war.
And it always works. Remember when Britney took time out from cutting her hair off in random beauty parlors to prop up her fading career with a nicely positioned undie-less exit from a car? And Lindsay Lohan’s mostly in the news now for either losing her mind or her bikini top.
The wardrobe malfunction-as-career-booster is as good as a gig on “Dancing With the Has-Beens” — but without all the implementation and sweat caught up.
Speaking of which, can anyone ever forget the tragic nipple slip by Nancy Grace on “Dancing with the Stars”? No. Never.
The well-positioned nipple slip in fact has become so big among A-listers that celebrity events look like La Leche League meetings.
The way these clothes all fall off only in strategic places makes you wonder if their stylists are shopping at designer stores or shopping at Scores.

Uncredited/AP Rob Lowe, right, and “painfully awkward” Rob Lowe in an ad for DirecTV.

TRIVAGO CLEANS UP, LOWE GOES LOWER

After I wrote that taking travel tips from Trivago Guy was like taking travel tips from Norman Bates, Trivago Guy showed up in a new ad, with a haircut, a clean shirt, and looking like he slept in one of those hotels he touts instead of in his car after a big drunk. And I’m getting blamed.
No. It’s Aaron Marino’s fault. He won the make-over the Trivago Guy contest, God forgive him. But even Trivago’s never been as annoying as the Awkward Rob Lowe peeing commercial, which just got more annoying. The Global Paruresis Association, a group of people who can’t go in front of others, said the ad ridicules people with a honest problem.
Wait. I have a honest problem and didn’t know it? I plotting it was called being discreet. Commercials should sell food, not ruin your appetite.

SEXY & BOSSY

Feminists are not pleased that Rihanna told Elle Magazine, “Any man that tells me what to do is sexy!” Thing is, you know that if a rich, successful man said that, those same women would say he was a sweet and sensitive guy. Hey! Maybe because she spends her days telling everybody exactly what to do every minute, leaving the sex part up to a bigwig else at night is well, sexy. Failing that, yelling, “F*** bitches, get money!” is also excellent.

Gregorio Borgia/AP Cardinal Timothy Dolan  announced a new “arrangement” for parishes this week.

WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE PARISH!

With Catholicism shrinking in America since the pedophile priest scandal and the polarizing stands on celibacy, homosexuality and female ordination, Timothy Cardinal Dolan (above – and why isn’t it Cardinal Timothy Dolan?) announced a new “arrangement” for parishes this week.
That means that 64 parishes will merge, and 31 will no longer hold regular Mass or administer other sacraments. Sounds like parishes will be like Catholic couples who divorce and can’t hear spiritual union any longer.

Janet Mayer / Splash News Kate Gosselin will appear on celebrity apprentice.

Meantime, Vatican inside traitor Raymond Cardinal Burke, who was this accurate to ex-Pope Benedict and his aide, Archbishop “Gorgeous George” Gänswein, told a Spanish weekly that the Church under the splendid Pope Francis is like “a ship without a rudder.” But it was steady under Benedict, who quit being the Pope to live the cushy life with George?

EXPRESS LINES

Democratic Louisiana Sen. Mary Landrieu took all kinds of heat from conservatives for saying “the South has not always been the friendliest place for African-Americans.” Talk about misguided! Didn’t she ever see “Gone With the Wind”? … Everyone is shocked – shocked! – that Rosie O’Donnell is causing problems and fighting with the other co-hosts on “The View.” Just because she lost weight doesn’t mean she’s Gandhi … Geraldo Rivera and Kate Gosselin (r.) will be contestants on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Kate plus Berate.

VOTE OF TRUTH FOR ANDY & SANDY

Maybe they semi-made it at home before going to the polls. With her well-manicured hand on our governor’s well-suited rump, Sandra Lee and Gov. Cuomo aren’t your typical political joined-at-the hip couple. On Tuesday, they went to vote in Mount Kisco, where he quipped to reporters, “If Sandra didn’t vote for me, I’m going to be very disappointed in a heartfelt, sincere way.”
They will be watching the results at the Sheraton Hotel. Well, except Sandra didn’t vote for him in a heartfelt, sincere way, that is.

LSTASI@NYDAILYNEWS.COM / TWITTER @LINDASTASI