Tara Aquino | December 17, 2014 8:00 am

Sony has been taking hit after hit ever since anonymous hackers breached the company’s systems on November 24. The culprits, who may or may not be tied to North Korea, a country enraged about Sony’s upcoming Kim Jong Un assassination comedy The Interview, have not only leaked dozens of the company’s latest films, including this year’s Fury, but also hundreds of private internal emails. Mega producer Scott Rudin and Sony Pictures Entertainment Co-Chairman Amy Pascal came out looking the worst, with exchanges between two the spitting vitriol at Angelina Jolie, Kevin Hart, and Aaron Sorkin, among others.

But, regardless of how clear their messages seem to be, bounty of them were completely misunderstood. So, we’re here to clear up any confusion by placing the misinterpreted emails in the right context.

*Completely fictional context that we’ve made up to hopefully make this entire situation a little simpler to laugh at.

Presumed context: In an email to Amy Pascal and Sony Entertainment CEO Michael Lynton, Screen Gems exec Clint Culpepper calls Kevin Hart a greedy whore for asking to get paid to do publicity.

“As I suspected, I got a call from Jeremy Zimmer informing me that they feel that if we’re going to take benefit of Kevin’s social media savvy that ‘they’ feel there is a fee to be paid for it which is above and beyond the 3M he was paid to do the film. Jeremy was very clear that Kevin would do the normal publicity questioned of him like junket, TV shows, radio interviews, etc. But the social media blitzkrieg would cost us. I told him I was in a big meeting but would call him back. I’m tempted to suggest we call his bluff. If his film does NOT perform it hurts his brand and we have his next 3 films. I’m not saying he’s a whore, but he’s a whore.”

Actual context: Darn autocorrect. When Culpepper called Hart a “whore” for wanting some extra pay to use his vast social media to help promote the movie, he meant to type something else. It’s supposed to be, “I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve the money, but we’re low-cost and we want that money. We want all the money. Money money money money money money. How dare someone else want to be paid for work? xoxo!” It’s a common mistake.

Presumed context: Scott Rudin emails Amy Pascal about the Cleopatra movie with the shitty script that Angelina Jolie wants David Fincher to direct.

“I’ve told you exactly how I want to do this material. It’s the ONLY way I want to do this material. I’m not remotely interested in presiding over a $ 180m ego bath that we both know will be the career-foremost debacle for us both. I’m not destroying my career over a minimally talented spoiled brat who plotting nothing of shoving this off her plate for eighteen months so she could go direct a movie. I have no desire to be making a movie with her, or anyone, that she runs and that we don’t. She’s a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anyone needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming. We will end up being the laughing stock of our industry and we will deserve it, which is so clearly where this is headed that I cannot believe we are still wasting our time with it.”

Actual context: Rudin is still upset about the Jennifer Aniston and Jolie trash magazine war. He doesn’t see the film as a multimillion dollar project, but rather a quaint rom-com, with Aniston dressed as Cleo meeting someone like Jason Sudeikis as Caesar at their best friend’s Halloween have fun. The end of this email that didn’t get leaked was Rudin’s email signature, “Scott Rudin. Sent from my iPhone. Team Aniston 4ever.”

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Tags: Amy Pascal, hackers, Scott Rudin, Sony, Kevin Hart, Scott Rudin